“Miranda stumbled down the alleyway pressing her thumbs to her temples. The noise blared loudly, though no one else could hear it. Her best friend Kate mentioned hearing loud noises shortly before she succumbed to the strange plague that had confounded health professionals in the past few weeks. The local news warned residents to stay indoors and limit contact, but Miranda needed food for her child.

At the end of the alley way, a cat appeared from behind a garbage bin wailing in pain. Could it also hear the same blasting noise? It saw her, pounced upon her back, biting and clawing at her neck. She pried the cat loose and slung it to the ground where it writhed in pain. The cat stretched out in weird positions, then ran off down the alley.

As she neared the road beside the market, a tune blasted in her ears. She recognized it was Tubthumping, by Chumbwamba. She turned the corner onto the main road facing the door to the Seven Eleven. A man dressed in a green suit tipped his hat and bowed. “Hello madam, may I interest you in a game of pangolin?”

“Pangolin? Is that some sort of animal?” she said, shaking her head up and down and dancing to the tune. “I’m not feeling right today. The moon, it sent me on a quest to gather oysters for my baby. He sits in his cocoon of silk calling for seafood and biscuits.”

The man pulled a rabbit from his bag. It barked and yelped as he held it by its ears. “Be still Oliver. I want to show this nice lady a trick of the eye. Abra cadabra, press on nails,” he yelled as he slung the struggling creature up over his shoulder where it landed on the rooftop of the Seven Eleven. the frightened creature screamed and yapped as it walked across the rooftop looking for a way down. “Impressive, huh?” he said, taking a bow.

“You rabbit looks more like a bumblebee. But wasn’t there a game of pangolin?”

“Yes, yes there was, long ago, back in the forested land of my youth. We would gather the speckled eggs that fell each Spring from the truffala tree, all sparkling and gay. The children would sing bowler jingles as they carried the eggs back to our warren. When they hatched, we would toss them over our shoulders to see them stick to the MayPole. it was a lovely time.” he said looking off in the distance. 

Miranda stood watching the man as a woman walked out the door and grabbed her arm. “Why are you out here alone? It is very dangerous. People are acting strange. I’m afraid the disease is spreading. Who’s watching after your baby?”

“My baby? My baby wants fruits from the sea and biscuits. Do you think they are inside?” she said brushing her hair out of her face. “When I fall down, I get up again, blah blah, blah blah, blah blah.”

“Miranda, you’re coming with me,” she said, grabbing her by the wrist.

“Where are we going Momma? When the stores are all closed, the piper shall lead us to reason.”

“Miranda, I’m Gail, your neighbor. Does your son need food? I can help you.” she said then looked up at the roof and saw the bumblebee buzzing in circles, barking. “Oh my! Who put that poor dog on the roof?”

“Da fiddler on da roof is da bumblebee. The leprechaun showed me a game called pangolin with his rabbit. It’s magically delicious. He’s standing in the shade of the giant mushroom,” she said pointing at the man holding an umbrella in the middle of the road.

Gail took her friend by the arm and led her inside the Seven Eleven. “Stay right here. I’ll get some milk and a few other things you might need. Don’t run off.”

Miranda noticed the large caterpillar tapping at the keys. His chubby cheeks flapping together as he spoke gibberish to the ostrich ruffling her feathers in the checkout line. “Ma’am, are you okay?” he said, pointing his pads at me. “Please don’t touch that!” 

Miranda leaned against the mossy pole, and slid down into a field of golden bladders. They crunched beneath her ass. “Come, sit next to me, you big fluffy ostrich,” she said to the customer.

Suddenly the big fat caterpillar ran up to her spitting a hissing. “You go now!”

Gail ran back to the front of the store and saw Miranda sitting on a fallen rack of potato chips. “Miranda, get up. We need to go.”

“You her friend? You pay me now!” yelled the cashier.

Suddenly there was a huge crash. Someone threw a brick through the window. The teller ran to the door and confronted a large fat man carrying a snow shovel.

“Come forth thee foul beast and greet thine sword for which I shall plunge deep into thine breast,” the crazed man said to the teller.

Miranda started laughing when she saw the frightened ostrich panic, dropping her eggs and fleeing. “Oh take, these turkey wings and learn to fly again,   flying free like a big fat bumble bee…” she sang.

Gail grabbed Miranda by the arm and pulled her to her feet. “Come, we need to go now!” She led Miranda out the door past the angry Indian cashier who was fending off the fat bald white dude swinging at him with the shovel. Outside in the parking lot the tall man dressed in green was waving down cars with his umbrella. “And it came to pass that a mighty beast rose from the sea and devoured the children of Ahab. Talk not to me of blasphemy, man. I’d strike thine sunny ass if it insulted me,” he screamed at a car passing by.

“There’s my leprechaun friend. Frosted Lucky Charms, they’re magically delicious,” Miranda sang joyfully clapping her hands. She looked at Gail and said, “Did you find the oysters and biscuits? My baby demands fruits of the sea. His gills are still developing.”

“Uh, yeah, I got what you need. Work with me Miranda. I need to get you back home now,” she said, pulling her into the alley.

As Gail led Miranda past the garbage cans, two black women were chasing each other. The one in pursuit, wore a light blue afro, her lipstick smeared on her lips like a clown, running at her victim wearing nothing but massive red high heeled shoes and blue stockings.

“Come back here you demon goat. Don’t run from me!” she said, grabbing the other by her hair slinging her into the brick wall with a thud.

“Help! This girl’s bat shit crazy. She’s trying to kill me. Let go of my hair you bitch.” She turned and punched the crazed girl repeatedly in the face until her hand yanked away with a handful of hair. 

Miranda started to laugh. “Are you ready to rummmmble!” she said, pumping her fist in the air.

The sane woman ran past Miranda towards the Seven Eleven. The crazed girl let out a bizarre scream, squatted near the garbage cans and started to grunt. Gail dragged a giggling Miranda past the girl towards the other end of the alley.

Suddenly something flew past Gail’s head and landed on the pavement with a plop. She turned and saw the black woman scooping up shit in her hands preparing to toss another lob their way.  

“Run Miranda!” Gail said, pulling her arm. 

“Hey, Come back here you cows. Moooo. Mooo!”

Miranda stopped and turned to look. A turd hit her right between the eyes, stuck, then slowly rolled past her nose and landed right between her breasts. Miranda looked down and fumbled for the object and held it between her thumb and forefinger. “Hey, is this chocolate for me?”

Gail slapped Miranda’s hand causing the turd to drop to the ground. “Don’t pick that up!” As Miranda bent over to pick it up, Gail grabbed her arm and pulled her along before another turd came flying past their heads.

They rounded the corner into the sidewalk. The traffic was stopped due to a young white man standing in the middle of the road pushing a shopping cart full of glass bottles. The road was covered in broken glass. He picked up a bottle and smashed it on the pavement. “Anyone bites the dusty, bites the dusty. I’m gonna get you too. Another one bites the dust,” he sang each time he smacked a bottle. The cars blew their horns and people yelled out their windows, but no one was brave enough to get out and confront this man.

As Miranda and Gail walked down the street past the shops towards their apartments, Miranda smelled her fingers and said, “I got poopy fingers. Poopy poopy fingers and rubbed her fingers on her pants.

A bald, middle-aged man stood in the doorway of the pawn shop holding his arms up in the air. He saw Miranda and smiled. “Hello Darlin, nice to see ya. It’s been a long time,” he sang, then reached out and put his arms around Miranda and started to dance with her. “Did you miss me, honey?” he said whispering into her ear.

“Who are you? I don’t know you,” she said, trying to break out of his grasp.

Gail tried to pry Miranda loose and slapped the man in the face. “Don’t listen to her, Darlin. Come inside with me and I’ll show you a good time.” He gave her a grin then bumped open the door to the pawn shop and waltzed Miranda to the front desk. 

Gail put the milk carton down and ran over to Miranda and grabbed her arm trying to pull her away. “Let go of this woman! She is not doing well today!”

The tall muscle bound biker looking dude ran around the counter. “What’s going on here?”

“This man won’t take his hands off my friend,” Gail said

“Ma’am is this man harassing you?”

Miranda turned and said, “He wants to show me Good Times.”

The front door opened and the crazed black woman walked inside. “I have presents for you.” She walked up to the biker dude grabbing his hand and pulled it to her breasts. With the other hand she rubbed a turd against his lips. Aghast, he slapped the turd from her hand. 

“What the fuck, lady.”

“Brown looks good on you, Boo.”

When the pawn shop owner saw this, he let go of Miranda’s arm and burst out laughing. “Poop lips instant cocoa with Swedish marshmallows.”

Gail grabbed Miranda by the arm dragging her out the door. “Honey, it’s not safe here. I need to get you home. Remember that you baby needs you.” Gail scanned the street looking for safe passage. Broken bottles, turned over trash cans and food littered the sidewalk. A pigeon slammed into the side of a brick building. A cat ran up behind an old woman and pounced on her head knocking her glasses off. Cars were parked idle in the middle of the street with horns blasting everywhere. Gail saw a path and pulled Miranda past the chaos to the doorway to the apartment building. She flashed her card key and the door opened up. “Hurry get in here before they follow us.” 

Just then a young girl ran head first into the glass door and bounced off.  Miranda laughed and said, “Another one bites the dusty.”

As they climbed the stairs to the 3rd floor, An old man was peeing off the top landing singing, “Raindrops keep falling on your heads. And that doesn’t mean my farts will soon be turning heads…”

Gail almost got splattered by piss and screamed, “What the fuck’s wrong with you Thomas?”

“I’m watering the garden my dear. Cockle shells and farty smells and pretty sluts all in a row,” he said laughing, making the piss splash even more.

By the time they reached the 3rd floor landing, Miranda began to dance and leap like a ballerina. Someone was blasting waltz music very loud from their apartment. Three parakeets flew down the hallway towards them squawking. When they got to Miranda’s apartment, Gail asked her for the key. Miranda stopped and tossed the key into the air saying, “Catch.”

Miranda rolled her eyes and opened the door. She sat the bags of groceries down on the kitchen table. So where’s your baby, Miranda? He’s not in the crib.”

“He’s in his play pen.”

Gail walked into the TV room and screamed uncontrollably, “Oh my God, Miranda! What were you thinking?”

“My baby needs oysters and biscuits. Ask any mermaid you happen to see, what’s the best tuna, my little baby.” 

Gail gently dunked her hands into the aquarium and pulled out the drowned baby floating in the tank alongside the guppies and red swordtails. She placed its limp bloated body in its crib as she whimpered through teary eyes.

“Miranda, can you sit down in the chair for me?”

“My baby needs oysters and fruits from the sea.”

“We’ll feed him soon, honey. Now can you come with me to my apartment? We’re gonna play a game, okay?”

Miranda agreed and followed like a puppy. Once inside she sat still while Gail tied her wrists and ankles to a chair. “This is for your own good until we find a way to cure this.” She walked over and turned on the TV. A shaky newswoman sat alone at the newsdesk. “The virus shows no end of stopping. Millions across the country have fallen prey to this insidious plague. Most people are showing minor symptoms of nausea and headache, but others progress to full on psychosis resulting in assault, murders and suicides. Doctors are working on a cure…”

Gail turned off the TV and shook her head. She walked to the kitchen and reached for a bottle of aspirin, noticing the beginnings of a headache.