Benji was a mess as he shuffled along the highway on rubbery legs after spending another restless night in the mission. No trek’s easy when you ain’t got a car, especially on slick, frosty mornings like this. He looked up and figured he had another mile or so to go. “I gotta hustle if I’m gonna make that damned appointment by nine,” he scolded himself. Little did he know that by the end of the day, his attempt to seek help would all be in vain, because Benji would be dead.

When he arrived at Dr. Chen’s office, people were staring at him. His black eye was nearly swollen shut and his dirty, blood stained clothes stank after not being washed in weeks. He wiped his runny nose with the back of his hand. A woman sitting with a young child glared at him disapprovingly. He stuck out his tongue and growled. The kid giggled causing him to crack a slight smile revealing his rotten teeth. He pretended not to care what people thought of him, but deep down it hurt.

He walked up to the receptionist, a stern, older ,plump woman, who handed him a pile of paperwork and told him to take a seat and fill it out. He crept to a vacant corner of the room beside a palm tree and propped his sore feet atop its ceramic pot. The receptionist pointed at him and shook her head. He groaned and let his feet fall to the floor.

A while later the receptionist jostled him awake. A string of drool dangled from his lower lip. “Mr. Fisher, Dr. Chen will see you now,” she said glaring down at him with her arms crossed and her lips all scrunched tight. The room, now full of people, was all staring at him. He stood and slunk away from them towards the hallway.

Dr. Chen, a nice, elderly Asian dude who’d seen him a few months earlier, greeted him warmly at the door. “So, Benji, I hear you had some trouble a few days ago. That black eye looks pretty bad. Have you seen a doctor for it?”

“Nah, I’ll be okay, Doc, but the spells are getting worse,” said Benji.

“Your social worker said you’d cursed at some customers and threatened a child. Have you been taking your medication like we talked about?

“Yeah, doc, I’ve been taking my meds just like you told me to, but it ain’t working now.”

Dr Chen raised an eyebrow. “Here, take a seat and tell me what happened.”

Benji plopped down on the poofy couch and laid back letting his feet sprawl out onto the floor.  “Well Doc, I started noticing little things about two weeks ago. I’ve been losing my temper over stupid shit more than I used to and I’m having trouble sleeping. I keep thinking that people are looking at me and judging me. Sometimes I hear voices that ain’t there like I did when I first got diagnosed. But you know what the scariest part is? It’s the blackouts. Not quite blackouts, but more like being someone else. The first time it happened was last week at the mission. One minute I was eating breakfast and the next thing I know I was deep in the woods somewhere at night lying on the ground besides a smoldering campfire with two strangers I ain’t never met. I laid there for the longest time looking at ‘em, too scared to move or say anything. Then in a flash, it was daytime again and I was standing b‘sides a busy highway later that afternoon, not knowing how in the hell I got there. The same kinda thing happened a couple more times, and each time I came back, I’d wind up somewhere else completely different. The other day I was playing dice with some buddies. They say I just got up and walked off, but I don’t ‘member that part. I went somewhere far away,  then later woke up in the alley behind the Minimart, all beat up and robbed. To tell you the truth, I’m scared as hell it might happen again.”

“You haven’t been drinking again have you?” he said raising an eyebrow.

“Oh no sir, I ain’t touched a drop in weeks,” Benji said shaking his head.

“So can you tell me what happened in the restaurant?”

“I’d just got hired on at Jerry’s. Been workin’ there a couple of days. The manager had me bussing tables and washing dishes. Everything was just dandy up until I picked up dishes for this one big family. They had this little girl who couldn’t have been more than three or four years old. She wanted to tell me a secret, so I bent over and she whispered in my ear, “The birds will pick the meat from your bones,” she said.

“I freaked out and dropped the dishes. I looked at her and yelled, “How do you know about the birds? Tell me what you know about the god damned birds?” Well the kid burst into tears and started wailing at the top of her lungs. Her parents were all frantic and her dad stood up and called for the manager. That’s when I got fired and told to leave just like that.”

“What was it about birds that made you so upset, Benji?”

“The damned crows. They been following me around town squawking at me. Then they started talking to me. Telling me to follow them. Sometimes they’d tell me horrible things, like how they were going to pluck my eyes out and eat them.”

“That sounds pretty disturbing.”  

“No shit. Let me ask you this doc, how am I supposed to know what is real and what ain’t? Nobody believes me. I’m just a crazy person, right? I can even see in your face that you have doubts.”

“Benji, it’s not about what I believe. I realize this is all too real for you and I’m sorry you’re going through all this. I’m really worried about these blackouts. Can you tell me where you go?”

“Sure, I remember exactly what happens when I go, I just don’t know what my body’s doing while I’m away.”

Dr Chen squinted and cocked his head,“Hmmm, Have you ever had nitrous oxide?”

“What’s that?”

“Laughing gas. Dentists sometimes use it. If you don’t mind, I’d like to try it on you. I’ve had some success with nitrous induced hypnosis.”

“Sure doc, if you think it will help.”

Dr Chen led Benji over to a chair in the corner of his room and had him sit down. He placed a mask over his face with tubes coming from it. He turned a valve on the tank and adjusted the flow. He asked Benji to close his eyes and imagine himself at the mission playing dice with his buddies the first time he had his blackout.

“We were just playing on the sidewalk like we always do. I was making good rolls n’ having fun. I had just lost five bucks off Ole Stan. I wanted to win it back, but didn’t have no more money, but remembered the weird jade coin Darrin gave me with the crazy carvings on it. I was going to show it to Stan, but, but I um…”

“Do you have the coin on you now?”

Benji fumbled through his pockets among the pennies and wrapped his fingers around the smooth coin. He suddenly felt a wave of nausea and dizziness.

“Do you have the coin? Benji? Benji? Benji can you hear me?” said Dr. Chen’s voice trailing off.

                                April 5 1796

“What the fuck!” Benji said finding himself sitting on an old wagon pulled by a horse in an open field. He wasn’t sure how he got there, only that it happened fast. He climbed down from the wagon and saw an old man dressed like an Amish farmer waving his arms. The man ran closer, pleading with Benji to go somewhere with him. To Benji, the man resembled his grandpa.

“Paps, is that you? Where are we?” Benji said rubbing his head.

“What in God’s green earth is wrong with you Silas? We need to take cover. These cyclones are about to take us out!” screamed the old man.

“Cyclones? Paps, don’t you remember me?” said Benji climbing down from the wagon.

“Sure Silas, but I ain’t your pappy. We need to go.”

“Silas? Uh Sorry, I thought you was somebody else.” said Benji who noticed that he was wearing strange clothes and a wide brimmed leather hat. A large flock of crows appeared  in the dark skies. They flew past him, circling playfully above him as if they were urging him to join them.

“Come with us, come with us…” he heard them cry.

“They want me to go with them. Can’t you hear ‘em?” said Benji.

“Have you lost your dern mind Silas? They’s all takin’ cover down by the creek,” the old man said grabbing his arm.

Benji struggled to pull free of the old man’s grasp. “No, My name ain’t Silas! Let me go!”

“If you want to kill yourself, then go right ahead,” said the old man running back towards the wagon.

Benji wandered off the trail towards the oncoming storm. The old man yelled for Silas to come back, but Benji kept walking. He didn’t feel quite like himself. When he looked up at the churning sky, he thought of the end of days. He remembered being told in Sunday school that the sky would open and trumpets would blare. Processions of heavenly hosts would descend from the clouds by the thousands, and multitudes of people would fall to their knees screaming hallelujah, all terrifying and triumphant. He suddenly felt the urge to remove his clothes.

Under darkening skies, he stood naked and alone, gazing upon a vast valley. Strong winds whipped through the tall prairie grass in waves as far as his eyes could see. Clouds spun around a spool, towering to the heavens, then a brilliant flash, followed by a deep thundering boom that crackled and rolled in the distance. With nowhere to take cover, the storm would soon overtake him.

Above him, the pack of crows cawed and circled in the sky like angels. Edging ever so closely to the storm, they dove and taunted him. Dropping from the dark circling clouds, a thin blue funnel appeared and merged with the spinning dust on the ground and raced past him to the right. Two more funnels formed from the same cloud, chasing each other like snakes suspended from the sky, and then one died. The remaining funnel grew in size and raged onward as he stood in its path. He could feel the winds pulling him towards the dark tower. The roar grew louder and the sky started to merge with the Earth. His ears popped as hail began to fall. The crows flew low, circled around him cawing, “Come with us! Come with us.” He could almost hear the words. Energized with fear and awe, he felt the urge to fly away with them. He sprinted through the tall grass towards the dark tower in the boiling sea above him.  

Sprinting faster, he grew lighter and lighter until he was no longer a man, but crow following the others. Soaring over open prairie, his heart raced wildly and his wings propelled him forward. The roar of the beast was deafening like the sound of a freight train. Soon the wind overtook the flock, plucking them one by one in rapid succession into the blur. He remember landing with a thud.

                               February 2 1996

“Caw, caw, caw.”

The cawing woke Benji as he lay face down atop cold hard mud and fallen branches. He tried to move, but his body wouldn’t budge. His head and chest throbbed with pain. The skin on his cheek stung from the cold breeze. He opened his eyes. Past the muck, long shadows stretched across the rocky ground. A few feet further, a tree line blocked the horizon. Their silhouettes formed a latticework with the last rays of the sun peeking through.A train whistle blew in the distance and he assumed he was near the tracks.

“Ughhh,” he grunted, struggling to recall his last memory. “How in the fuck did I get here? How did I get out of Dr. Chen’s office?” A sudden gust of wind whipped across the ground and blew the lower part of his shirt up over his back exposing his skin. His body shook and his teeth chattered. He tried to gain control of his numb hands, but they were useless.

“Get up. You gotta get up,” he whispered to himself.

The crow in the tree continued to scold. “Caw, caw, caw.” There was a loud pop, followed by snapping twigs. It sounded like footsteps past the trees. Benji’s head jerked back, then to the side in the direction of the sound. His heart pounded and his breathing got heavy. “Is somebody there? Help me! help!” He tried to lift himself up to see, but collapsed back into the mud. He waited anxiously for a reply, but heard nothing except for the rustling of dead leaves. A sense of dread left him feeling dizzy and nauseous.

He finally managed to push himself up just enough to get a glimpse of a bloody leg and guts dangling in the branches beside him. So overcome by the horror of it all, he closed his eyes tightly rocking side to side, hoping it was but a dream. But it wasn’t a dream. He strained to look behind him, but couldn’t. “Oh my god! How could I have been so fuckin’ stupid?” he cried. This time the blackout had done him in. He imagined the worst, and wept.

Sensing that death was near, he thought back to a moment in his childhood, when he’d come across a dying horse on a neighbor’s farm. Collapsed in a heap, it’s eye darting about, then fixated upon him, all wide-eyed with terror. It seemed to plead with him for mercy. Then suddenly, that eye just looked right through him, unblinking and glazed over. He realized at that moment that he was staring into the eye of death itself. Horrible, seductive and slow, it’s icy embrace gripped tighter and tighter until the horse succumbed and went silent. Now it was his turn to face that same fear. He wondered if he would be like the horse. Was there a god waiting somewhere for him? he thought.

Tired and drifting in and out of consciousness, he surrendered to his fate and waited for what was sure to come. After a long silence, the crow cawed again, heralding the sound of footsteps coming towards him. Like a lost sheep, he foolishly called out to an unseen savior.

He raised his head and through blurry eyes, he beheld a naked man bathed in golden light. Angelic, he stood facing Benji with his hands resting on his hips. Benji feared the man’s judgement would be upon him, but when he met the man’s gaze, he realized that the man could easily have been his identical twin. The stranger knelt down in the mud and held Benji’s broken body.

“Don’t be afraid,” said the man. As he took Benji’s hand, Benji felt the pain go away and his fear was replaced with great joy. He felt his life slip away as he was cradled in the stranger’s loving arms.