I sat on the banks of the Cumberland river, somewhere southeast of Somerset Kentucky. The leaves were just starting to turn yellow and orange. A dark cloud of depression kept me down since Jeff hanged himself and his family blamed me. Ben thought it would be a good idea if we went fishing to get our minds off of the horrible events of the past week. I stared at my line, but my mind was elsewhere. Ben had just caught a trout and performed his usual ceremony of touching his forehead to the fish. He came and sat beside me. We smoked a lot of pot and I got very stoned. It sent me to a very dark place.

“Are you okay Travis?”

“Man, it’s been ages since pot made me feel this out of control,” I said as waves of extreme sadness washed over me. “I killed him.”

“You can’t keep blaming yourself, Travis. Hatred and ignorance drove Jeff to do what he did. You tried to help.”

“I didn’t mean to,” I said sobbing uncontrollably. It was an unbearable feeling of sadness and regret that I’d never let myself experience. “He was just a kid defending his sister. I didn’t want to shoot him. I tried and tried not to think about it, but he comes back to haunt me. And now Jeff kills himself all because of me.”

Ben held me tight in his arms as I cried with my face buried in his chest.

“Let it out Travis. You’ve been holding this pain way too long.”  

I cried until there were no more tears. He sat rocking me in his arms.

“You mean a lot to me Travis. You’ve been a good friend.” I leaned into him and closed my eyes.

“And you’re the best friend I ever had. It felt like the world fell apart on Tuesday. I was just starting to call Kentucky my home again and now I remember why I ran away. I don’t know how Andy put up with all the hate,” I said.

“He had lots of love and support, also. Cody and Ethel were kind to him. You have a whole family that loves you Travis. You have the Watts as well as Cindy and Arnie and me of course. You’re gonna get through this.”

“What about everyone else? The people in Millersburg or Carlisle? What about them?” I cried.  

“Yeah, what about them? I guess they’re just going to have to get used to it too, huh?” said Ben. “The majority of people of Millersburg and Carlisle are good people, Travis and the rest are misguided and fearful of things they don’t understand.  There are a few homophobic holier-than-thou assholes who just want to spread the hate.”

“But it seems like they’re everywhere,” Travis interjected. “The hate is growing.”

“Yeah, you’re right, and this  whole terrorist thing bothers me. I really don’t believe it’s just the work of a handful of Islamic extremists. I think they had help from this government. Those buildings came down in their tracks. NORAD wasn’t even watching the airspace. Everything went wrong. That’s more than just a coincidence. There’s something more sinister behind these attacks and it involves greed and lust for power. I’m afraid things will just get worse. I don’t trust the president. The fear and ignorance that drove Jeff to kill himself is the same kind of evil that’s going to destroy this country,” said Ben.

“So you think Bush had something to do with the terrorist attack?”

“Can’t say yet, but it’s all about motive and something feels fishy about this. Look how people are starting to turn against their neighbors. There’s an evil spreading and…Hey Travis! Travis looks like you have a bite.”

I started reeling in the line and there was a big fish at the end.

“Wow first one I caught in a very long time,” I said.

Ben carefully held the fish and removed the hook from its mouth. He knelt down in a prayer position and touched foreheads with the fish.

“That always amazes me Ben. Do you believe in a life after death even for fish?”

Ben looked at me with sad eyes, “Yes, everything has a soul, Travis no matter how small.”

“Where do you think we go after we die?”

Ben looked me in the eyes, “Are you wondering about Jeff?”

“Yeah, he took his own life. I know what Christianity says about suicide, but uhhh…”

“I think that Jeff’s soul just continues on its path.”  

“So you don’t believe in a hell?”

“No, sounds like Jeff experienced his own hell in this world a few days ago. I don’t think anyone should have to endure more than that. Do you?”

I shook my head, “No I don’t.”

“The soul of this fish is moving on as well. Perhaps someday we will meet again and if we do, I hope the fish extends the same kindness and respect that I gave to him. Do you think that sounds silly?”

“Actually, I think it sounds beautiful, Ben.”