The next morning I woke up early. I walked out and sat in the porch swing and smoked a cigarette way before the sun came up. It felt like the world had turned upside down. Still in shock, I was contemplating whether I was going to go work with Leonard on the farm. I had a feeling that they would blaming me for Jeff’s death. I felt angry yet didn’t have anywhere to direct my rage. I wished that Jeff would have just come to the phone. I could have helped him through this I thought. It didn’t have to turn out this way. I was crying again. Buddy pushed through the screen door running wildly. Perhaps he saw some rabbit or something in the grass. I wiped my eyes and returned to the kitchen and poured myself a cup of coffee. I guess I decided that if I was going to live here I might as well face my demons like Andy did. Suzanne said I should stay home and I considered it, but felt compelled to go out because I’m not a quitter.

The house was quiet when I got in the truck. I knew that Suzanne would be getting Hank and Bella up soon for school. Sam decided to stay with Cindy and Arnie so that he could attend Bourbon County High School this year. I drove down the one lane roads with my high beams on. No one seemed to be out this time of morning. The talk of retaliation and war was in the air. The thought had crossed my mind. I had done my time in the Army. I didn’t owe them nothing, but part of me thought about reenlisting. It would simply be running away like I did back in 84. My fight was here.

I pulled up to the gate and drove down to the tree line where the other cars were parked. Elmer, Derek, Chet, Earl and Tom were already there listening to the radio.

Derek looked at me and said, “Sure didn’t think YOU would show up today, Travis.”

Elmer lowered his head. I could see that he didn’t want to get involved.

Tom Layson walked up to me and said, “Travis you are a good worker and all, but,  sigh…I am gonna have to let you go. I would rather not go into details, but I think you probably have an idea why. So what do I owe you exactly?”

I thought it over and said. You owe me 195 bucks for these past two days.”

He got out his checkbook and wrote out a check and handed it to me. “Sorry bout this, Travis.”

“Yeah me too.” I said as I walked back to my truck. I felt queasy. As I got in my truck, I looked back and saw Derek standing there watching me with an angry look on his face. At the last moment he flipped me the bird. It was so surreal driving back towards the gate. I suppose they think I was responsible Jeff’s death, as if I caused him to be gay. I was no stranger to self loathing.  Part of me wished I was dead as well. When I got to the gate I stopped the truck and opened the door and threw up my breakfast. Driving down the road I found myself crying uncontrollably.

I decided to drive to Ben’s house. I felt the need to get wasted.

Ben met me at the door with open arms. I tried to talk, but my words came out garbled. I buried my face in his chest and began to sob. He held me tight for the longest time until I was all cried out.

Later that evening Ben said he wanted to treat me to dinner at the Cadet Inn. We walked into town.

We sat down at a table. An older couple was sitting near the front door. Connie was watching the news coverage of the plane attacks on a small TV on the counter with the cash register. She wiped tears from her eyes and walked over to our table.

“How are you doing, boys? You want the usual?” she said.

“Yeah, I’ll have the chicken salad sandwich and fries. What do you want Travis? said Ben.

“I think I will just have a tuna sandwich,” I said.

“Are you okay Connie? Looks like you are having a hard day,” said Ben

“I been watching TV all day. It feels like the world’s falling apart. I can’t believe those buildings fell the way they did. And all them people losing their lives. I wonder what they’ll do to us next,” she said.

“Yeah, it is a horrible thing.”

The door opened and three young men walked in and sat down at the table beside us. They kept looking at us strangely. They were laughing and whispering to themselves. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Ben took my hand and I instinctively pulled away.

“You okay, Travis?” Ben said

The laughing started again and then I heard one of them say the word faggot in their conversation. I cringed when I heard the word. Ben took my hand again.

“Aren’t you worried that people will think you are gay like me?” I said.

“No, Why should I be afraid to show love to a dear friend? I don’t care what they might think of me. Remember when you said you wished you could be more like your uncle? Well now is your chance to honor your uncle and to honor your friend by being defiant,” said Ben looking deep in my eyes.

I heard one of them say, “Fuckin faggots everywhere you go.” Then there was more laughing between themselves.

Connie came out of the back room with our cokes then walked over to their table and handed them menus.

“What will it be boys? Want to start off with something to drink?” she said amid snickering. “What’s so funny?”

“Oh nuttin,” one of them said, then more snickering.

“I ain’t got all day,” she said giving them that look.

“I’ll have a coke,” said the bigger of the boys.

“Just water for me,” said another one.

“If you’re going to insult my customers you can just leave right now! I ain’t putting up with this crap in my restaurant. I’m talking to you, Tommie.”

The three of them got up and walked towards the door.

“So you gonna throw us out just like that? I guess you like them fags, don’t you?” said Tommy flipping us the bird.

One of the other guys mumbled, “fuckin queers,” and made an obscene gesture with his mouth and hand to signify oral sex.

Connie came to our table with cokes.

“I’m so sorry about that guys. I heard the rumors that have been spread around this town and as a Christian, I’m ashamed that people of faith are being so hateful. I wasn’t brought up to judge others or to spread hate like you just witnessed. Please don’t think bad of all Christians just because of the actions of a few bad apples,” said Connie.

I smiled at Connie with teary eyes, and said, “I know there are good Christians out there. I’m looking at one right now.”