The world seemed upside down. There’s a feeling of unease at school. People were afraid and started to wonder about the safety of the country. I overheard my teachers and other adults talking about going to war. War was always something that happened in history class, but it felt so real once I was a senior in high school I was old enough to go to war. But for me, I longed for my bedroom on the farm as I stared out the window in homeroom. On the farm I had privacy and a place to lift weights. I liked living with aunt Cindy, but sleeping on the couch was not so fun. People were always walking in there all during the night. I guess I had to sacrifice in order to stay in the same school. I was disappointed that I don’t have enough money to buy a car yet. I hated riding the bus. It felt a bit embarrassing being a senior having to ride the bus with all the younger kids.

“Whatcha lookin at Sam?” said Pete, one of my best friends. I snapped out of my daze.

“Oh just.. nothin.”

“Dude, did you get your geometry homework done for Mr Tolson’s class?” Pete said. “I was so tired after football practice and besides that, I don’t even understand all those theorems.”

“Yeah, I did it. It’s not that hard Pete. You just need to memorize it.”

“Can I copy it?” he said looking at me with that big goofy smile.

“Fuck, I..I guess.”

“Thank pal. I’ll get you back,” he said grabbing my homework.

I hate when people ask me to cheat, I thought as I watched him copy from my paper. Pete’s a good friend, but it pissed me off that he could be so damned lazy and just get away with it. I suppose I was envious. Pete was everything that I wanted to be, a tall, rich, good looking jock that all the girls go for. Having a veterinarian dad working for a horse farm made his life so easy.  He even got a new car for his birthday and already wrecked it once. I glanced up and caught Sarah staring at me. She smiled and I smiled back. She was one of the more popular girls in our school. It felt good to be noticed by the popular kids. I finally was able to get on the varsity football team this year. Lifting weights with Travis seemed to pay off this summer. I put on about fifteen pounds by the end of summer and got a bit stronger. I guess I did pretty good in the tryouts. Things were not going so bad.

“Hey Pete. Is it okay if I get a ride home after practice?” I said.

“Sure thing, pal,” he said winking. About that time the bell rang and everyone got up and filled the hallways. “See ya at practice, Sam,” he said running out of homeroom.

I grabbed my books and headed towards my American History class.  I watched Pete running down the hall to catch up with Dean and Josh, two other guys on the football team. They were all taking shop class together.  He told me that the shop teacher would give them a good grade just by showing up because they were on the team.

As I passed Mr Blount’s classroom, my girlfriend, Janice Morrell came running up behind me. “Sam, wait up!”

“Hey Janice. Aren’t you gonna be late for Literature?”

“I was thinking of ditching the class. Wanna ditch and come with Angie and me?”

I was kinda pissed that she would ask me that. “No Janice, I have to keep my grades up to be on the team. Won’t you get kicked off the cheerleading squad if you skip class?”

She looked at me cocking her head and made a face, ”Duhh, I’m a cheerleader. I do stuff like this all the time. They expect seniors to do stuff like this. They look the other way for kids who promote school spirit.”

“I don’t know, Janice. It doesn’t sound right to me. You can do it if you want, but I’m not taking any chances.”

“Suit yourself, but we’re going to have fun.” She turned towards her friend Angie who was standing by the door tapping her foot. “Hey Angie, wait up!”

I watched as Janice and Angie were giggling and walking towards the exit door. I’m not quite sure how Janice became my girlfriend. She sorta latched on to me a year ago last fall after I started hanging out with the other football players. I was beginning to think I’d made a mistake.

I walked into Mr Tapp’s History class and sat near the front. History was one of my favorite classes. I loved hearing stories of the past, especially war stories. Mr Tapp was a veteran of the Vietnam War and would tell some amazing stories. As I sat down in my seat, Mr Tapp told us to listen up. He was a tall, muscular white man with thinning grey hair and had a missing right arm. Today he wore his normal leisure suit and a flag pin on his lapel. I noticed a new American flag hanging from a pole behind his desk.

Mr Tapp spoke up and said, “This past week as you may know, we have been witnessing a big historical moment. In the weeks to come, this country will be preparing to go to war against those who have attacked us. Our president has vowed to bring to justice those who would do us harm. I fought for the freedom that the terrorists want to take from us and perhaps some day some of you may have the chance to do the same. I’m wearing this pin to show my love and support for this country. Right now I would like to start off with a moment of silence for the victims,” he said bowing his head.

I sat there staring ahead but noticed that my goofy friend Blake sitting next to me was making faces while my teacher had his eyes closed. I started to snicker.

Mr Tapp looked up, “Who thought that was funny? Does anyone here think that three thousand innocent people getting killed is funny?” He looked around the room and we just sat there silent. “I didn’t think so… Get out your books and turn to page 29. Today we are going to talk about the original colonies and how they got started.”

He turned his back to the class and started to write on the board. I looked over at Blake and smiled. I noticed that this pretty girl with dark hair and blue eyes named Chloe, who was sitting on the other side of Blake, smiled and rolled her eyes. I felt my heart speed up a bit as we both turned our heads back facing the board.

Later that morning while I was walking through the lunch line I saw Pete and some of the guys from the football team sitting at a table with some of the cheerleaders.

Pete waved and said, “Sam! Sam! Come sit with us! We saved you a seat.”

It was weird. I was never invited to sit with the other popular kids before this year. Somehow meeting Janice and being on the football team changed all that.  After I got my food I walked towards the jock table and across the room I caught Doug Green looking up at me, then he looked away. Doug had been my best friend since the second grade. He lived next door to me in North Middletown back when my dad was still alive. He was never very good at sports because he had always been kind of fat and wore these big granny glasses, but it didn’t matter because he was smart and funny. As we entered jr. high school, it was more apparent that Doug never quite fit in. I was skinny but always loved sports. I always tried to get Doug involved, but he was more interested in computers and video games. When my dad died and we moved farther away, I started to see less and less of Doug. I tried to brush the guilty feeling away as I walked over to the jock table.  

Pete waved his hand, “Sam, watch this,” said Pete.

I sat down and saw that Paul Dampier was putting peas on his fork and using it to catapult them across the room towards the back of a boy’s head who sat at the nerd table. “Geronimo!” He flung a pea through the air and it hit and stuck to his hair. “Yeah! It made contact,” he roared raising his arms and cheering. I noticed that some of the boys on the other table witnessed what had happened and told the boy as he brushed the peas from his hair. He turned back to look at us with disgust. I looked down in shame. The other guys at my table were laughing and hooting. I tried to just eat my lunch and ignore Paul who was this big hulking guy with a shaved head who tends to be a bit of a bully. I ate more potatoes as Paul tossed more peas. Paul laughed and one of the girls told him to stop.

“You trying to protect your faggot friends?” he yelled back.

I wanted to hit him. I wanted to say something, but I also didn’t want to alienate myself from the cool kids. I looked over at the nerd table and Doug caught my eyes. He gave me a look of disgust then looked away.

Paul rolled his eyes and said, “Damned geeks can’t take a joke.”

Pete was still laughing. “I heard that Mr Tapp was being all patriotic and shit and lost it when someone started laughing when he was having some moment of silence,” said Pete.

“It was Sam,” said Wayne Harmon who punched me in the arm.

“I only laughed because Blake was making faces,” I said.

“Yeah, well you got Mr Tapp all red in the face. He looked liked he was going to lose it,” said Wayne laughing.

“Yeah, seems like everything is different now,” said Pete.

“Fuck yeah! We’re going to war over this shit!” said Paul. “I plan to join the marines when I leave this place.”

“Maybe we should all sign up together,” said Pete all excited. “What about you Sam?  You wanna join up with us?”

I just sat there listening and eating my lunch. “I looked up and saw them waiting for a response. “I ain’t thought about it,” I said. I guess that wasn’t the answer they expected.

“You love this country don’t ya?” said Paul.

“Damn dudes. It just happened. I ain’t planning to jump into anything without thinking first. Jesus!” I said rolling my eyes. That seemed to shut them up.

“Well, I think we should all wear flag pins to show our patriotism,” said Brittany, Pete’s dumb girlfriend who kinda looks like a blonde rabbit with too much makeup.

“Sam! Sam!” I looked up and saw Janice walking towards our table with her ditzy friend Angie and Chet Claypool. Chet gave me a stern sideways glance.“Sam you should have ditched with us. We had a blast.”

“Listen Janice, I’m not about to go start skipping classes. I actually want to try and get good grades this year,” I said.

“Fine, suit yourself. Your loss,” she said seeming annoyed. She sat down beside Chet and started gabbing amongst themselves. At that moment I realized that I didn’t particularly like Janice. She seemed cool at first, but now I was beginning to think she was bad news. I noticed that they were whispering and saw Janice looking back at me.

“Oh my God! Seriously?” I heard her say to Chet. I started to feel nervous. Janice turned to me and said, “Sam, is the guy that you and your family living with named Travis McAllister?”

“Yeah,…Why do you want to know?” I said suspiciously.

“So he’s the fag that Jeff Stewart killed himself over?” she said with a smirk.

My heart stopped. All eyes were upon me. “Yeah, I guess so,” I heard myself say.

“Damn dude! Did the faggot ever try to makes moves on you?” said Paul.

“No! Fuck you, assholes! He didn’t do anything. We didn’t have a place to stay so he offered to let us live there until we could find a new place.”

“Yeah, I bet he did,” said Paul laughing.”

“Well I don’t live there anymore. I’m living with my Aunt Cindy,” I said all defensively.

“We didn’t mean to piss you off Sam,” said Janice trying to act innocent.

“Yeah, whatever,” I said all pissed off.  

The rest of lunch was a bit uncomfortable. I felt like I should’ve defended Travis. He was totally cool to me and my family when we didn’t have a place to go. I also wanted so bad to be one of the popular kids. Now that I’m big enough to play football and girls are starting to notice me, I feel like I’m being pressured to be like them. I looked out across the lunch room and saw Doug sitting alone. I wanted get up and go sit with him, but was afraid to do anything that could threaten my new status. When I think about how shallow that sounds, it makes me feel ill.

Janice turned to me and said, “Oh what is the matter with you Sam? You ain’t still pissed at us are you?” she said putting her arm around me.

She smiled back at her dumb friends Angie and Michelle as if I were being manipulated. It was at that moment that I decided that I was going to dump her. I got up from the table.

“Gotta go guys. See y’all at practice,” I said.

Janice looked back at me and said, “Bye, Sam,” in a sexy voice.

I turned and sighed, “Bye, Janice.”

As I was walking away Pete said, “Dude, I need to get that homework from you.”

Later that afternoon after school had let out, I headed towards the boys locker room to get changed for football practice. I caught Paul standing in front of a mirror naked and flexing his muscles. As I walked past he said, “Like what you see?”  

“Eat me, Paul,” I said flipping him the bird. I went to my locker and opened the lock. Pete and Josh were putting on their sneakers as I sat down. Pete looked up at me wincing.

“I hope you’re not still pissed off about what we were talking about at lunch,” he said.

“So what happened at lunch?” said Josh who was this short thick guy covered in thick dark body hair and sporting a 5 o’clock shadow now curious about our conversation.  

“Nothing happened,” I said trying to dismiss him.  

But Pete just couldn’t leave it alone and said, “They were just talking about this gay guy named Travis that Sam knows.”

Josh grinned and looked up at me. “Ooooh, so like you got a boyfriend Sam,” he said putting his knees together and making a limp-wristed gesture.

“No, it’s nothing like that. My family’s just renting an upstairs apartment. Travis is a good guy,” I said clenching my teeth. The guys just couldn’t let it go.

Paul came strutting in from the restroom. “Yeah, I bet Travis was checking you out all the time. I bet he was checking out that fine ass of yours,” he said pointing at my backside as I stood there in my briefs. All the guys were now staring at me and gathering around as Paul started yapping. I felt uneasy and it gave me a moment of doubt.  

Paul squinted, looked up pinching his chin said, “Hmmmmm, I wonder if Travis has already had his way with Sam here.” Some other guys giggled and laughed.

“Yeah, I bet he fucked you good,” said Chet.

More guys were laughing, some looked away. I was shocked and angry at this accusation. I shook my head and got up in Paul’s face. “Nothin fuckin happened you bastard!” I said gritting my teeth. I wanted to hit Paul and Chet.

“What, you wanna hit me? Go on. I dare ya,” said Paul waving his arms and thumping his chest. Pete jumped in between us and grabbed me by the shoulders.

“Stop it, guys! Paul, stop being a jerk! We’re supposed to be a team,” Pete said putting his hand on my shoulder and leading me back to my locker.

“Fuckin asshole,” I mumbled.

“Don’t let it get to you Sam. Paul’s just being his own nasty self.”

Most of the guys got dressed and ran out to the field. Pete hung back as we were going out the door and grabbed my arm.

“That Travis guy didn’t do anything to you did he?” Pete said breaking into a smile.

“What is this? So you don’t believe me either?”

“Dude, chill out. I was just joking.” Pete said jogging off to join the others who were stretching in the field.

I was pissed. It had gotten under my skin somehow. I was ready to fight anyone who dared push my buttons at that moment. I wasn’t used to being teased like this. I suppose one could say I could dish it out, but couldn’t take it.

I did a slow jog out to the field, Coach Pitt was standing there with his big beefy arms folded and tapping one foot.

“I guess we’re all waiting on you, sweet pea. Hurry the hell up Davis! You better put some intention into your steps!”

The guys turned around and laughed when he called me sweet pea. I tried to hold back my temper because I’d worked too hard to get on the team. Later the coach had us running through tires, and weaving between those little orange safety cones. When it came my turn I high stepped through the tires when I heard a whistle behind me. As I was running back weaving between the cones I saw fat ass Paul laughing with Chet, then he cupped his hand to his mouth and yelled, “Run, sweet pea!” Then he winked and did a limp wristed gesture. At that moment I lost all self control and sprinted straight towards Paul who was sitting on the grass with his buddies. Before he had a chance to react, I leapt over his fat buddy Kory and pounced on him full force knocking him backwards. I straddled his chest and started to punch him in the face. I heard him scream as he tried to fend off my blows, but I was quickly yanked away by the other guys around him.

Paul sat up screaming, “I’m gonna kick your ass, fucker!” He tried to rush towards me but his friends held him back.

Coach Pitt pushed himself through the crowd and said, ”What the fuck is this shit? Davis!”

Paul was holding his now swollen eye said, “Coach, Sam just came out of nowhere and attacked me.”

Then he looked and me and winked. I broke loose again and tried to rush him but was caught by some of the guys holding me.

“Okay, Davis, Dampier! That’s enough from both of you today. I want you both to run laps around the field until I say so. Is that clear?”

We nodded yes. Pete ran up beside me smiling and whispered, “That was awesome!”

After practice Pete drove me to Aunt Cindy’s apartment. I didn’t say much on the car ride back. I was starting to feel that being one of the popular kids wasn’t such a cool thing after all. Pete was ranting on and on about how funny it was that I kicked Paul’s ass since most everyone else was kinda afraid of him.

The next day everyone seemed to be talking about Paul’s black eye. People kept staring at me. Pete seemed to think it was funny as hell that someone my size could kick Paul’s ass. In the hallway at my locker before first period class, Janice and her silly friend Angie ran up to me giggling. Janice put her hands on her waist and said, “So is it true that you gave Paul a black eye?”

I grabbed my books and turned to look at her and nodded yes.

“Wow, so what were you thinking? You know he’ll try to kick your ass now don’t you?”

“Yeah, I guess he’ll try.”

“So are you scared?”

“ No…but maybe he should be,” I said trying to seem cool.

Angie rolled her eyes and said, “Oooooh, seriously? Paul’s twice your size Sam. So what’s all this about Sam? Does it have something to do with yesterday at lunch? You trying to defend your mom’s fag friend?”

What she said enraged me, and couldn’t hold back. “So I guess all that seems to matter to you is your image huh? You met Travis this summer, but all you can do is cut him down only because your friends do. Is that right?” I said gritting my teeth.

“Sam, I didn’t know Travis was gay when I met him. Homosexuality is wrong and he’s going to Hell. Says so in the Bible,” she said smirking.

“So you believe all that crap?” said Sam.

“Don’t you?”

“Not sure, but it seems to me that Christians are always looking for an excuse to hate somebody and they always point to the Bible. But you know what, Janice? This just makes it that much easier to tell you what I’ve been trying to tell you for a while now. I’m done with you.”

“What? You’re breaking up with me?” The smile faded from her face and was replaced with a red hue of anger. “Listen Sam, if it wasn’t for me you’d have never been accepted by my friends.”

“Yeah, I’m starting to think that was a mistake. Your friends aren’t very friendly.”

I watched Angie’s eyes get wider. Janice turned and grabbed her arm. “Come on Angie,” she said pulling her down the hallway.

I was dreading lunch hour. I knew Paul and his friends would be there. When the bell rang, I walked towards the cafeteria and through the double doors. I stood in line to get my lunch and I saw the jock table already filled with the cool crowd. Pete was there waving at me. Paul was also there but facing the other way. After getting my food I tried to decide where I was going to sit. Out of the corner of my eye I caught sight of my old friend Doug sitting alone. I took a deep breath and headed for his table. I stood holding my tray standing directly across from him.

“Doug?…Is it okay if I sit here?

He looked up and at first he had a shocked confused look on his face, but then I saw a slight smile creep across his face. “Sure Sam. You’re always welcome. I just didn’t think you wanted to anymore.”

“Thanks, I guess I thought I wanted to be one of the popular kids, but I was wrong. They aren’t very nice.”

As we sat there making small talk Pete walked over to our table and sat down beside Doug.

“You mind if I sit here with you guys?”

I looked at Doug then at Pete. “Is it okay Doug.”

“He shrugged his shoulders and said, “Uh,, sure I guess. Nobody ever sits at this table so sure it is cool with me.”

“Doug this is my friend Pete. Pete this is my old friend Doug. He used to live next to me when I lived in North Middletown.”

Pete glanced at Doug and said a quick hi, then excitedly started talking. “Is it true what I heard this morning?”

“Is what true?”

“That you dumped Janice this morning?”

“Yeah, its true.”

“Wow!  You know she is pissed don’t you?”

“Probably, but she really didn’t like me anyway. She just wanted to date a football player. I really don’t think it matters all that much who it was.”

“So Sam, why aren’t you sitting at our table? Is it because of Paul or Janice?”

I looked at Pete in amazement, “Duh! They both want to kick my ass.”

Pete just smiled and shook his head. “Nobody’s going to do shit. I kinda think you scared Paul a little. Nobody expected you to do that yesterday.”

Just then I heard Doug gathering his tray. “I guess I should go and let you guys talk.”

At that moment Doug caught me off guard. I turned and looked up at Doug as he was leaving the table, “Where are you going Doug?”

He stopped and stood facing me, holding his tray with both hands and squinting his eyes, “Sam, you didn’t sit down to talk to me, you sat down to avoid talking to them. I was just an excuse. (sigh) It was nice to see you again though Sam.” Then he turned and walked off.

Pete saw that Doug had left then said, “Now that he’s gone, come and sit back at our table.”

“No thanks Pete. I think I’ll just sit here by myself.”

“Well, suit yourself.” Pete got up and walked back over to the jock table. I felt embarrassed and ashamed. I didn’t mean to treat Doug like that. I started to wonder what I had become. I didn’t like what I saw.