Chapter 32
Twilights Last Gleaming
Tuesday, September 11
My hands shook and my stomach cramped as I sat in the truck deciding whether to go to work or stay home. I chose to bite the bullet and face my fear. I pulled in at the front gate around 6:30 am. The sun peaking over the horizon. Tiny pink clouds dotted the morning sky along with groups of crows leaving their nests. There were two trucks parked in the driveway.
“Morning Travis. We plan to cut da rest of da field dis mornin’ and hang most of it in the barn tonight. I’m headin’ out dere now. You kin come with me ifn you want. Ppthh,” said Elmer spitting.
“I’ll be right there.” I put on my gloves and sharpened my knife real quick. I hope there ain’t no trouble today, I thought. Not sure how Mr Layson’s gonna act once he finds out I’m gay.
I walked out to the field wearing my dirty smelly clothes. I got to my row and sighed, “Another day.” I really didn’t want to be here this morning. As I walked towards the rows of tobacco with my knife and spear in hand, I held my head up and looked straight ahead. I didn’t want to appear ashamed. I’d done nothing wrong except love a man. If a man were caught kissing a woman it would have been seen as cute and I might have been teased in a friendly way. I would have been admired instead of shamed. I saw the other guys busy cutting tobacco. Derek turned his head and shook it side to side, then turned away not saying hi like he normally did. Chet stared a moment and then smiled mumbling to himself. It hurt deep down. I was facing my biggest fear. I thought of what Andy and Joe must have gone through. I bit my lip, took my place at the beginning of my row, and started to cut.
Jeff sat in his room all morning staring at himself in the mirror. He had been up all night and didn’t get any sleep. He figured it was just a matter of time before his secret was exposed to the world. He couldn’t bear the thought of his parents discovering the truth that their son was a homosexual and bound for hell. He would be seen as an abomination before the Lord. He spent the morning pacing back and forth wondering how he was going to get out of this. He was sweating and shaking. He knew he couldn’t just run away since didn’t have much money. He just wished he could turn back time. He punched himself in the head and pulled his hair. “Why was I born like this? Why weren’t we more careful in the field? Travis warned me and I was being too risky. Maybe it would just be better if I just end this,” he thought. He got down on my knees and prayed to God to help him, but there was no answer as always. The tears flowed down his cheeks. He was desperate for an answer. He sat back down on his bed and rocked back and forth. “Oh Lord, Lord, Lord, help me!”
That same morning, passengers for flight 11 out of Logan International in Boston bound for Los Angeles were arriving at the airport just before 7 am. It was a beautiful clear sunny morning for everyone except five nervous passengers with other plans. By 7:40 all the passengers had boarded the plane.
By mid morning the sun felt hot. It was going to be another hot humid scorcher. I wiped the sweat from my brow with my glove. I was just starting to get a good pace. I stretched and looked back over the row I’d just cut. I was happy to see that I was nearly halfway through my row. The other guys were closing in on me I was a few sticks from over taking Derek. I was determined to beat him again just to disprove the stereotype that fags are weak.
Around 8:15 some fourteen thousand feet above the ground, panic spread throughout the cabin on flight 11 as one of the passengers announced the plane was being hijacked and attacked and cut the throat of a passenger with a box cutter. Minutes later they burst into the cabin and took control of the plane.
Jeff sat on the bed for the longest time. He felt numb. There was a part of him that was feeling a sense of ease. He’d already made up his mind. He sat at his desk and calmly wrote a note as tears flowed down his face.
“Please forgive me mom and dad. I love you both so much, but I can’t live with this terrible shameful curse. I have prayed so hard to God to change me, but I suppose there is no forgiveness for my sin. I’m an abomination in the eyes of the lord. I can’t change. I have fallen in love with a man and I know that our church says it is evil. Goodbye and tell Leonard I love him too.
Your son,
Jeff”
It was around 8:30 when he looked at the clock on his dresser for the last time as he quietly left the house towards the smokehouse.
At 8:45 AM through panic and despair the passengers aboard flight 11 contemplated their ultimate demise just moments before the plane crashed into the north tower of the world Trade Center in New York City tearing a gaping hole in the building, setting it afire as a frightened city watched in horror.
Jeff opened the the door to the smokehouse, turned to see if anyone was looking, then walked inside. The heat and stale air poured out. He quietly closed the door behind him. He found an old rope hanging on a hook. It was the one he and his dad used when they put new shingles on the roof this past spring. He tied a simple noose and tossed it up and over one of the main beams and fastened the other end securely around the leg of an old fashioned washing machine. He felt numb. A part of him felt empowered in a strange way, maybe even defiant. He started to have second thoughts, but he reminded himself of how he imagined his parents and friends would react once they knew he was a homo. Before he could change his mind, he grabbed a stool and stood on it. The light poured through the gaps in the boards and the place smelled like rich earth and hay. Hot and musty. He placed the noose around his neck and stood there wondering how it would feel. He wiped the thought from his mind before he could chicken out. This is it he thought and tightly closed his eyes and held his breath as he kicked the stool out from under his feet. Suddenly the searing pain. The panic of not being able to take a breath. At that moment he fought for his life. How stupid he felt. He wanted to take it all back. “Oh God! please help me!” he cried. He fought to get his neck from around the rope, as he struggled, but felt the world getting dark. He thought about his mom and dad finding him there. All the things that he had to live for, even Travis and then… blackness…
I’d just started my second row. Feeling a bit proud of my speed. All of a sudden I heard people behind me yelling and talking. I turned to see what the commotion was. The guys had stopped cutting and had gathered in the middle of the field. People were waving their arms and some were putting their hands on their head. Oh my goodness! I wondered what had happened. Did someone hurt themselves with the tobacco knife. I suppose I was expecting to see someone hurt. I half ran back towards the rest of them.
“What’s all the commotion? Did somebody get hurt?”
Mr Layson looked shocked and said, “I just got a call from my wife. We’ve been attacked!”
‘“What? Attacked? By who?” I shook my head thinking this doesn’t make any sense.
“The World Trade Center. Someone flew planes into the towers,” said Tom shaking his head. “We’re at war.”
I stood there in shock. It seemed surreal.
“If we’re at war, what are we supposed to do?” said Derek.
“I guess nothing we can do except go back to work. I mean you guys can leave if you want, but I need to get this tobacco in the barn.”
We thought it over and decided to stay. He was right. It needed to get done. The tobacco would rot if we just left it lying in the field.
“Just stop what you’re doing and I’ll get the wagon. We will take what we have cut and load it on the wagon,” said Tom.
It was nearly 10 am when Mrs Stewart turned on the TV and saw the awful news from New York. She went into Jeff’s room to tell him the news when she noticed that he was missing.
“Paul have you seen Jeff this morning? He’s not in his room and his bed has been made.”
“No can’t say that I have. Oh my God Rachael! Come here! The South Tower just collapsed!”
Earl drove the tractor around pulling the wagon behind. Tom and Leonard got up on the wagon as the rest of us ran around picking up the sticks of tobacco on the ground. Earl blasted the news on the radio so that the rest of us could hear.
“The south tower fell? Did I hear that right? How can an airplane knock down a skyscraper?” Tom said looking around at Earl, “Man I can’t believe this is happening. The Pentagon was hit also? We’re being attacked, boys”
“Did it say who was attacking us?” Chet said looking up at Tom.
“Nobody seems to know shit,” said Tom. “Hurry up lets get this done. I want to be outta here as soon as you do.”
It was at 10:25 when Rachael discovered the note folded on his desk. She let out a scream, “Paul! Paaaul! Its Jeff! We need to find Jeff right now!”
Paul jumped off the couch. “What happened?”
Rachael ran into the TV room. “Jeff left this note. I think he’s going to kill himself. You search the house I’m going to check outside!”
As they were rushing around the North Tower fell.
We were loading the second wagon when Tom told us that all planes were being grounded. This was surreal. It was unbelievable. I had felt similar unease when we were about to invade Iraq, yet this time we didn’t know who the enemy was. The homophobia that I felt yesterday seemed to be forgotten, at least for the moment. Everyone was too scared to think clearly. I was running along the ground picking up the hot wilting tobacco. We were rushing to finish. Everyone wanted to get back home to their families.
It was around 11 am when Rachael entered the smoke house. It was mostly used for storage and people rarely went in there. She passed the smokehouse a few times because she assumed it was locked. In desperation she lifted the old piece of leather used to conceal the lock. She noticed that the lock was missing. She felt her stomach fall. A queasy feeling and weakness. “Oh no!” She flung open the door and saw the body of Jeff hanging just inches from her face. His face was contorted. All seemed eerily peaceful as he hung there motionless like a sack of flour. It didn’t sink in. “Paul” She tried to yell in a whisper. She couldn’t gather the energy. “PAAAUUULLL! Paul Paul!” This time she screamed in frantic bursts. She tried to put the stool back and stood on it trying to lift Jeff’s body enough to slip his neck out of the noose, but she didn’t have the strength.
“Help! Help me!! Help Me! Oh god! Help me!”
Paul heard his wife’s voice coming from outside. He realized from the sound of her cries that this was something horrible. He braced himself for what lie ahead. His wife Rachael was on her knees humped over in a pile. Her hair in a mess. He saw the looming body of Jeff hanging there above her. His face blue and lifeless. He jumped up on the stool and lifted with all his strength and was able to free Jeff from the rope and he fell to the ground almost hitting Rachael like a bag of concrete. Jeff was still warm but starting to stiffen.
“Jeff why did you do this? Why?” said Paul as he cradled the body.
We worked to nearly 3 pm. I was tired and worn out. I turned on the radio as I was driving home. It seemed as if a plane had crashed in a field in PA. Planes were grounded all day. So far the president hadn’t said anything. As I rode down my gravel driveway towards the house I saw Cindy’s car, Ben’s motorcycle, as well as Suzanne’s car parked out front. I parked my truck next to Ben’s motorcycle and walked towards the house. Suzanne and Ben were sitting on the front porch.
As I climbed up the steps Suzanne said, “Travis, did you hear what happened today?”
I shook my head in disbelief. “Oh my God! It’s like the world fell apart. I heard about it this morning and as we were working we listened by the radio all day. It was crazy. I still can’t believe two skyscrapers could fall down like that.”
“Actually it was three. Another building came down just about an hour ago,” said Ben.
“Did another plane hit that one as well?”
“No, they don’t know how the third one fell,” said Ben.
I walked inside and Cindy, Arnie and the rest of the kids were huddled around the TV set. I looked around and said, “Looks like a full house.”
Cindy waved her arms, “Actually Mr and Mrs Watts just left. They were here earlier.”
“Look, Travis,” Sam said pointing to the TV. “They are showing the building falling.”
I looked as the first building collapsed as if a controlled demolition. “That looks as if it was planned. It just came down in it’s tracks. How can that happen?”
“The other buildings fell the same way,” said Ben.
I stood covered in sweat and grime.
Suzanne said, “Travis should should probably go take a hot shower. I know you must be tired and hungry. They will have this on TV all day for sure.”
“Yeah thanks, I’ll be back.”
I finished my shower and fixed a quick meal. We were all glued to the TV set. Bush gave a quick speech and a while later it was announced that some terrorist group Al Qaeda was responsible.
After the news began to sink in, I decided to call Jeff to see how he was doing. I dialed the number and waited.
“Hello” there was a silence on the other end. “Hello”I said again. I heard a voice that had been crying say, “This is Mrs Stewart.”
“Sorry to bother you Mrs Stewart, but I was just wondering if I could speak to Jeff. I wanted to see how he was doing.” There was silence and then sobbing. “Hello? hello?” I said. A male voice came on.
“Who’s calling here?”
“I’m sorry. This is Travis. I work with Jeff and was just wondering how he was doing.”
“Travis, uhh well I’m so sorry, but we found Jeff dead this morning. The voice broke into tears. I was stunned.
“Oh I’m so sorry Mr Stewart for your loss…Uhh My I ask what happened?”
“We found him in the smoke house. He hung himself.”
I felt queasy. I already knew the reason but asked anyway. “Do you know..”
The voice broke in and said, “Are you the man that drove our son to do this? Are you this Travis that Leonard is talking about?”
“I loved Jeff and would do nothing to harm..”
“I don’t want you calling this number ever again do you hear me? You’ve done enough damage!”
I held the telephone to my ear and felt shock, shame, and sadness. Ben saw me across the room and knew something was wrong.
He walked over to me and said, “What’s wrong Travis?”
I turned to face him and tears started to well in my eyes. He held out his arms and I fell into him sobbing with my face planted into his chest. He stood there holding me rubbing my back.
Suzanne ran up to us saying, “What happened!”
“I think it’s the end of the fucking world,” I muttered as I held onto Ben.