I looked up, wiping sweat from my forehead. A couple of puffy clouds floated by in the blue sky above me, as I planted beans and corn in the field beside the barn. The antipsychotics seemed to be working.  I hadn’t experienced a blackout or hallucination in days. It felt great to be outside, shirtless in the sun, with no one around to make me feel self conscious. I’m not one of those people that can just lie on the ground to get a suntan. It bores me. I need to be doing something in order to get a tan.

Around 10 am, I got thirsty, sweaty, and I decided I’d had enough sun. A big pitcher of sweet tea sounded good about now. I rested the hoe on my right shoulder and looked back over what I’d done. “Let’s go Buddy! I think that’s enough for today.” He was busy digging at a rabbit hole when I called him. His head sprang up, turned and ran ahead of me back towards the house.

I heard the phone ringing as I reached the driveway. I dropped the hoe and ran for the door. I picked up the phone before it stopped ringing. “Hello?”

“Hey Travis. How are you feeling? Been having any more of those blackouts?”

“No, they seem to have ended. I’m feeling much better actually,” I said.

“I just called to see if you wanted to come over and celebrate 420 day.”

“Uhhhh, 420 day?”

“If you don’t feel like it I’ll understand.”  

“How do you celebrate 420 day Ben?”

“He he he, well you smoke pot of course.”

“ Uhhh well don’t we smoke pot almost everyday?” I said, sarcastically.

“Well sure, but this time we’ll just smoke a bit more, I have lots of snacks, and we can watch funny movies.”

“Yeah, that sounds great. I have a few errands to run, so I’ll be by in a couple of hours. Does that sound okay?”

“Sure does. See you later then dude. Don’t worry about food. I have plenty fixed up.”

“See you there Ben.”

I arrived at Ben’s house around 3pm. I cut some lilacs blossoms for Ben’s party just before I left. The aroma filled the entire cab of the truck.  I opened the door and Buddy jumped out and ran straight towards Ben standing at the BBQ pit, shirtless and wearing only his khaki shorts.  He was grilling hamburgers and fish on the front lawn. I caught a whiff of briquets and smoke. “Hey Buddy!”said Ben, bending down to pat his head. Standing guard on either side of his front gate, were two mannequins dressed as clowns. One posed to juggle a ball and the other smoking a joint wearing deer antlers. I was a bit shocked to see the mannequin wearing the antlers. It reminded me of my strange visions on our camping trip.

“Hey I like your new friends,” I said, laughing to Ben.

“Yeah, aren’t they a hoot! I thought you would like what I did with them. I invited some friends from my band to come and celebrate. I think you’ll like them. I might even get them to play some music later. I hope you don’t mind. They’re really nice people and play great music.”

“Not at all. You really went all out for this. I didn’t know pot was that special to you,” I said.

“I do like pot,” he chuckled, “but actually, this is more a celebration of the beginning of summer called Beltane. In olden days, this is the time when shepherds would lead their flocks out to the summer pastures. I’m celebrating it a few days early since my hippie friends in the band like the 4-20 part.  Hey, could you grab the bong and pot sitting on the kitchen table?”

I loaded the bowl then walked out and stood on the front porch. Ben’s back muscles rippled as he flipped the burgers on the grill. Buddy sat patiently, hoping Ben would give him a piece, and then… Ben tossed a burger to Buddy and he gobbled it up. I lit the bong and took a big hit off the weed. It smelled nice and skunky.

“Mmmmm yeah! Bring it over would you Travis?” Ben turned, holding the spatula, then grabbed the bong with his left hand. “Light me up.” He took a big hit, closed his eyes and smiled looking up. He shook his ass and rocked back and forth. “Mmmmmm that tastes so good.”  I loved him like this. He seemed like a little kid sometimes. “The people I invited are friends I met at a square dance in Berea last summer.  They’re wonderful Bluegrass musicians and they call their band The Babbling Brooks Brothers. They hit me up last night and asked if I wanted to play with them again sometime, so I invited them over.”

“That sounds fun. You gonna play some songs? I always wanted to see your band.” Ben turned another burger over and the grease hit the fire and popped and spat.

“You ready for a burger Travis?”

It was around 6:30 when a VW bus pulled up in front of Ben’s house. We were both curled up on the couch with Buddy sprawled across our laps half way through Pee Wee’s Big Adventure. The pot made the movie seem so funny, especially with Ben trying to imitate Pee wee’s voice. Buddy’s head shot up and Ben looked towards the window and said, “Looks like the gang’s finally here.” There was a knock and Ben rushed to the door. A tall man in his forties with long dark hair and a big bushy beard with streaks of grey stood in the doorway. He wore a straw cowboy hat with lots of colorful feathered roach clips attached in the back, a red plaid shirt with the sleeves torn out of it, and dirty faded blue jeans. In one hand he held a fiddle and the other, a case of beer. “Charlie, I’m so glad you could make it.” Ben reached out and gave him a big hug. “Charlie, this is my good friend Travis. Travis, this here is Charlie Brooks, a really awesome fiddle player and leader of a fine bluegrass band.”

 Right behind Charlie was a short, stocky guy with a fu manchu mustache and thin, balding, blond hair combed into a ponytail, wearing a black t- shirt and jeans. He grinned like a possum with big red cheeks. Beside him stood a tall, thin, red headed woman with long braids that reached to her waist, and skin pale as bone. She wore only a simple green ankle length dress and appeared to be in her late 20’s but had the mannerisms of a woman much older. She slowly raised her head, tilted it slightly, then smiled warmly and reached out and touched my arm. In the other hand she held an orange crock pot.

“Howdy Dean.  Great to see you and Linda. I’m glad you were able to make it. How is your mom doing?”

“Not so well, but I just had to get away.”

“I understand, so where is Pat?”

“He’s coming. He and Kate are gettin’ stuff out of the van.”

“Dean, Linda, this is my good friend, Travis. Travis, this is ,Dean and Linda Walen. He plays the mandolin.”  

“I’m just his groupie,” said Linda.

“Hey Ben!” said a very tall man with a deep voice. He walked in the door wearing a Black Copenhagen ball cap pulled down over short dark hair and a goatee. His long sleeve blue plaid shirt was tucked inside khaki trousers.

“Howdy Pat. Good to see ya. You ready to smoke some dope and play some music?” said Ben.

“Definitely, that’s what we came for,” said Pat, patting Ben on the back.

A shorter, thin, older woman in her late forties with long grayish, blonde hair stood behind Pat, holding a bottle of wine and a basket. “Oh Ben, it’s so nice to see you again Sweetie.” She scooted past Pat and gave Ben a nice long hug, still holding the items. “Mmmm, I missed you so much,” she said, rocking back and forth.

“Travis, this is Kate. She’s Charlie’s wife. She sings with the band sometimes and this big guy here is Pat, Charlie’s younger brother and he plays the banjo and guitar.”  Ben looked about the room smiling and said to the group, “So guys I have plenty of food ready, lots of burgers, grilled veggies and some catfish. I also have lots of good weed and made some brownies, and pot candy. Go ahead and help yourselves.”

“Oh What a cute dog! Is this your dog, Ben?” said Kate, patting Buddy who was lying on the couch.

“No, that’s Buddy. He’s Travis’s dog,” said Ben.

“Yeah if it weren’t for Ben, Buddy wouldn’t be here right now. Ben jumped out in the road and kept Buddy from getting hit by a truck. That is how we met,” I said, settling back on the couch.

“Ben, those mannequins outside are just the creepiest things ever,” said Dean. “I walked past them and it almost scared the crap out of me.”

“Oh you like my decorations?” said Ben, grinning.

“They’re so awesome dude. I like the guy with the antlers smoking a joint the best,  but that clown is just creepy,” said Dean, shaking his hands to either side of his face.

“Well let’s all get stoned, have a good dinner, and afterwards I was thinking maybe we could play a little bit outside before it gets too dark,” said Ben.

We filled our plates and sat around Ben’s living room. Dean searched for the remote and turned on the TV. He switched over to some news show where president Bush was speaking.

Pat looked up from his plate and raised his fist, “There’s our illegitimate leader. Fucking ass stole the election.”

“Fuckin’ Florida, man! The whole state is screwed up.” said Dean.

“Well this state ain’t much better. Most people here voted for that clown,” Pat said, taking a bite of his burger.

Dean changed channels and said, “Oh man I can’t enjoy my meal listening to this guy. He just makes me mad.”

“Maybe there’s a comedy showing somewhere?” said Linda. Her eyes were half open by now and she looked quite stoned. “It’s better to laugh when you’re baked,” she said.  

Dean continued to flip through the channels, stopping randomly as if in another world while other people talked among themselves. I was quite baked at this point with my paper plate still resting in my lap, while Kate and Charlie asked me about the army. I was so stoned that I had trouble following what they were saying, but just nodding and saying yeah just to be polite. Ben showed Linda a trick he’d taught Buddy.

Finally, Dean stopped at one channel and  laughed. “Ha ha ha, hey Linda! Is this a clown or a drag queen?”

I looked over and saw the familiar big pink haired Christian woman from the religion channel. She really did look like a cartoon. Her face plastered so thick and pasty with makeup and eyes blackened out with mascara. A massive lion mane of bright cotton candy and Pepto Bismol hair sat perched upon her head. The poor wretched thing looked like an elderly prostitute waving her arms about saying “Praise Jesus.” Then they all broke into a song and dance number. She stood shaking the tambourine, wearing her old fashioned Ellie Mae Clampet dress.

“Who does she think she’s fooling dressed like that?” said Dean, laughing.

I  laughed myself and found it very funny, maybe because of the pot. Just then, I saw a pillow go flying across the room right past my face hitting the TV screen.

“Ahhhhhhh! make it stop!” I looked over and saw Ben with both hands blocking his face as if trying to fend off some wild animal. I was shocked and amused at the same time. “I can’t bear to look upon that foul woman,” said Ben.

I was rolling with laughter. “Yeah, it ain’t purdy,” said Pat laughing.

“Maybe we should watch it,” said Linda. “This is pretty funny.”

“It’s an abomination!” said Ben, furrowing his brows, looking somewhat serious. He had us all rolling. “Ahhhhhh, okay, seriously guys.  I find her offensive,” said Ben.

Dean switched channels, but we were still rolling with laughter. Ben shrugged his shoulders and smiled. He seemed a bit embarrassed by his outburst. I leaned over to Ben and whispered, “That was cool. You said what we were all thinking.”

Ben looked at me half smiling, “Well I’m embarrassed that we have people like this running about.”

As Dean spun through the channels, we settled on a rerun of Seinfeld. I looked over at Ben and could tell that it was more than a joke to him. It seemed to hit a nerve. Everyone was laughing and having fun. After the show ended, Ben suggested that we all go outside and watch the sunset.

The sun was getting low in the sky and crows began roosting in the trees. We all came outside and the guys pulled out their instruments. I was fairly baked from all the pot I’d smoked. The guys began the show by playing some Bluegrass, but later, Ben led them in some old English waltzes. Kate talked me into dancing with her twice, despite my shyness about dancing.

It was getting dark and Ben asked everyone to stop to observe the sunset. Silently, we stood  holding hands as the last glimmers of golden light fell below the hill. Standing beside Ben, I heard him mumble some strange words under his breath. I didn’t bother to ask him what it meant, but it sounded like a prayer.

We sat back down to smoke pot, but some of the group took magic mushrooms and asked if I wanted to try some. I was scared at first and declined their offer, but later changed my mind. Kate gave me two small pieces informing me that it was a small amount and that I should be okay to try it. Once it got too dark to see, Ben turned on the Christmas lights that were strung up in the trees and made a fire in his fire pit.

They played a few more songs then I noticed Dean laughing at something and his face was very red. He put his mandolin down beside his chair and tried to stand, but fell back against the chair and it flipped over.

“Oh man, I’m way fucked up!” said Dean, laughing again.

Linda stood and held her hand out to Dean. “Come on, get up you drunk bastard!” she said, laughing. “I want to dance.”

Ben decided it would be nice to bring out the bongos so we all could participate in making music.  

Ben gave a quick demonstration on how to make different sounds by the way the bongo is struck with the palm of our hands and fingers. I had some difficulty at first, but got better as I watched. Finally a rhythm had been established. I was able to keep a fairly good beat with the bongo, though I had never tried it before. Glancing up, I noticed how the dim flashing light from the fire danced across the cold shiny flesh of the mannequins standing by the gate.  It was frightening how real the clown and deer man appeared. The beating grew faster and more complex. Kate, Ben and Linda stood and proceeded to dance and march around the flames. Things got strange after a while. The beating of the bongos and the pot started to make my head spin. I felt like I was under some sort of spell. The colors were vivid and I was seeing geometric patterns dancing in my peripheral vision. It reminded me of the night of our camping trip when Ben and I danced around a fire. Ben’s clothes came off and no one seemed to notice or care. Pat and Dean had both taken of their shirts and shoes. Linda, like Ben, had stripped naked and was dancing about the fire like a sprite. Charlie and I were still sitting in the chairs playing the bongos while everyone else was dancing around with theirs. Ben approached me, smiled and gently nudged me to join him. He grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the chair. I took it as sexual flirtation and it aroused me. I followed Ben, the piper, and joined him in the dance. Soon we were all marching and leaping around the flames to the beat of the drums. Ben spun and leapt like a gymnast. He would look back and wink, urging me on. The rhythm picked up pace and soon we were almost running. I was sweaty, hot and soon my shirt was off as well. Things became a blur, but what happened next I can only explain as a result of my hallucinating on the mushrooms. As I watched Ben dance in front of me, I saw his body transform into a deer. No one else seemed to notice. The other band members were in some sort of trance. I saw an aura of light flickering around the deer. I was caught up in the moment. Strange images appeared as if I were seeing the world under a strobe light. Sexual energy charged the air. This continued for quite some time.

At the height of this frenzy I saw headlights coming up the hill along with familiar blue and red flashing lights. The surreal moment was quickly replaced by the very real fact that someone had called the cops. I panicked from the fear of knowing that there was a house full of pot and mushrooms. We stopped playing. People darted for their clothes. Ben stood naked, his skin glimmering in sweat and no longer a deer. He told us not to worry and slowly walked towards the cop car. I thought for sure he’d be arrested for public nudity, but much to my surprise, I saw Ben talking calmly to the policeman as if everything were normal. I overheard the policeman say just try to keep the noise down and Ben saying that they would. The police car started up and drove away without incident. Ben returned and said that everything was okay. I was  surprised that nothing happened. The others were hiding their drugs and putting on their clothes.

Ben walked over to me and put his arm around my shoulder. “It’s all okay Travis. They won’t be back.”

“Ben, what did you say to the police to get them to leave us alone?” I asked.

“I just told him that we were just about to go inside and that we would keep the sound down is all,” said Ben, smiling. That was something that I admired so much about Ben. He was so damned charming that not even the police could stay mad.

“Wow, Ben this has been a great party,” Dean said.

“Oh yes indeed. You’ve outdone yourself Ben,” Linda said, hugging him and kissed him on the cheek.

I felt tired. Everyone else seemed to be dazed. Ben insisted that we all crash in his house because we were too stoned and drunk to go home. He brought out blankets for everyone. Charlie and Kate had a mattress in the van and slept out there. Linda and Dean slept together on Ben’s couch. Pat took a folding cot. I was standing around and decided to sleep on the floor with Buddy in Ben’s bedroom. Just as I was fixing a place on the floor, Ben spoke up.

“Travis, don’t sleep on the hard floor. There’s more than enough room for you here in my bed. I won’t bite you.”

I was pleasantly shocked, but also very sleepy. I stripped down to my underwear and got in his bed. Buddy jumped up and curled up near our feet. I turned and faced away from Ben clutching the pillow. I wanted to kiss him, but was afraid. Ben fluffed his pillow and scooted closer to me. I could smell his musky odor and felt the warmth from his body as he lay just inches from me.

“Night Travis. Thanks so much for coming over tonight.” He turned out the light and I lay there hard and horny. It took a while before I drifted off into a comfortable sleep.

The next morning I woke up to the sound of rain outside of Ben’s window. Ben had his arm around my waist and I felt his erection. It felt so right to me, but I really had no idea what Ben thought about me other than being my friend. I lay there enjoying the moment and listening to Ben breathing. The birds were chirping and it was starting to get light outside. Just then there was a slight rapping at Ben’s door.

“Yeah, come on in,” Ben said. I was terrified. Pat walked in seeing the both of us in bed together but just smiled.

“Hey Ben, me and the rest of the gang are going to head out. We need to get an early start if we want to make the show in Dayton tonight. Sure you don’t want to tag along?”

“No, I have some things to do today. Maybe next time okay?”

“Sure Ben. Thanks for having us over. It was an awesome party last night.”

Kate walked in the door and scurried over to Ben’s side of the bed. “Hey Benny, is there any way I can talk you into coming along?” She took her hand and rubbed it in his hair.

“I’d love to, but I really need to work on some furniture.”

“Well give me a big hug then. Bye Sweetie.”

Charlie, Linda, and Dean looked in the door, waving and saying bye.

“Later, Ben. And nice to meet you Travis. Don’t let Ben work too hard,” said Charlie, giving me a wink as he walked out. I felt a bit awkward lying there in bed with a naked Ben. I was not out to anyone and nothing had happened between Ben and I, but must look that way to the other band members. Ben didn’t seem to notice or care. Buddy came over to me pacing about.

“Okay Buddy, I guess you need to go outside huh?” He barked a few times and I put some blue jeans on. I walked out the front door and saw the van pulling away and they were waving bye. It was damp and wet outside. It still looked like it might start raining again. I sat down on a chair on Ben’s porch. I heard Ben in the kitchen.

“So Travis, how do you like your eggs?”

After breakfast I was all nervous. I had been rehearsing in my mind over and over how I might tell Ben about me. Finally Ben looked at me.

“Travis you’re being awfully quiet. Is everything okay?”  

I hesitated, and sputtered, but then the words started to come out. “There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you for a while now, but just really didn’t know how to say it.” Ben looked concerned and came over and patted me on the shoulder.

“What’s bothering you my friend?”

“Well I think you need to know something about me and I probably should’ve told you sooner, but uhh…well I like guys, like in a sexual way. Oh man, it is always so hard to say. I was just afraid that maybe, you know, maybe you might not…”

“Come here Travis.” Ben grabbed me and held me close.” Dude, you’re my best friend and a good person. It don’t matter to me who you want to have sex with. I just love having you as my friend. Nothing changes, but I must tell you that I love sex with women. I hope that’s okay with you?” said Ben.

Actually that wasn’t quite what I was hoping to hear. I guess I expected him to say he was gay also, with the spooning in bed and being naked around me. “Yeah, it’s fine. In the past I’ve told a few friends that I was gay only to lose them as friends,” I said holding my head down.

“Travis, I’m not like those other friends of yours, if they can’t accept you being gay, then they never really were your friends to begin with. I guess it isn’t easy coming out to a friend or anyone else, is it?” said Ben.

“It’s never been easy. I agonize over it every single time because I’m afraid of their reaction. My dad went a bit crazy when I first told him years ago. My parents and I were never very close after that. I guess that’s why I joined the army back then. I thought or perhaps hoped that it would be able to change me, but it didn’t. It just confirmed it,” I said getting teary eyed. He hugged me close again.

“Travis, I’m sorry you had to go through this. It’s a shame that we live in a culture that’s so full of hate and ignorance. You’re my friend and nothing is going to change that. Sounds like it’s time to get stoned again. What do you think Travis?”

“Yeah, sounds like a good idea to me.” We went out and sat together on his porch step and Buddy followed us and lay down by our feet. Ben lit up his bong, toked and then passed it to me. We sat together looking out towards the green wet fields and listening to the crows above us in the trees cawing. Soon they flew off in groups heading in totally different directions. I felt relieved and happy knowing that I had one less secret to hide from my best friend.